So much has been happening in my heart this year regarding career direction, and so far it has coincided with the closed doors I've run into. I'm only part way across the stream, so to speak; yet, I think I can identify stepping stones behind me -- though not yet the shoreline in front of me. I'll share these stepping stones with you and tell you where/how I'm looking for the next step. This is a long one....
1. A number of years ago, my former pastor said that a calling is something we can not NOT do. Something deep inside us compels us to move forward regardless of the losses, the pain, the inconveniences that may be association with it. I believe this "something" is a joy which God sets before us...(Heb 12:2), a joy associated with the good works He has prepared beforehand for us (Eph 2:10) that He will bring to pass in His time.
2. I'll confess that a desire for my comfort has always lodged tightly within a corner of my heart. God gave me those comforts for many years, and I felt their "leanness" (Ps 106:15). Yet, even in the midst of that, He graciously gave me wonderful fruit that I might "taste and see that God is good," leading to a desire for more fruit. But what, when, how? Then God gave me this "severe mercy" of an extended season of unemployment. During this time, I've had a strong impression -- a Holy Spirit boldness, you could say -- to believe He will direct me into using my gifts, even if that means loss of comforts. But, is that indeed the "shoreline" ahead of me that I can't yet see?
3. February 17, our new pastor preached from 1 Peter 4:10-11. One point was on the general categories of the gifts God gives us: speaking gifts and serving gifts. God opened my eyes to the obvious: my gifts are in communication. There is a joy, an exhilaration in using our gifts. Huh, so it's not just a "performance high" when I teach and speak and act and....!
4. February 20, I spoke with one of our pastors who has helped me walk through some difficult times previously. I told him I thought God might be calling me to ministry, asked him if he, knowing me as he does, could bless that. He unequivocally said Yes! He also gave me a great little book, "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung, reminding me that God is sovereign -- He can be trusted to open and close doors.
5. February 20, a friend was talking about the difference between a "commercial artist" -- someone who uses their art to make a living -- and the artist who uses art to express their heart. I stood in a moment of Eureka! realizing there is a difference and that I am the artist who is motivated to express her heart. What is in my heart is the message of God's amazing love for His children.
6. April 1, I had an interview at an outstanding international company -- a privilege and honor. That would be a great place to work, yet everything in me cringed, rebelled, cried out, vomited NO!!!! My heart is for full-time ministry.
7. April 14, another message from my pastor, this one from 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 on God's comfort. One statement that found its home in my heart (not verbatim): the place for each of us to minister is in that place where God has ministered to us. All of my life, God has given me the profound gift of being surrounded by the Gospel and solid Biblical teaching, grounding me in Biblical knowledge and understanding. But I slipped through the cracks: I was a good girl who suffered silently with deep, unresolved pain, questioning the goodness of God. But, God mercifully met me in that pain and showed me His deep, perfect love for me, and it opened the floodgates of His presence. I have an uncontainable longing to share that beautiful, life-giving truth with others who are suffering in their struggle with spiritual disillusionment, to equip and disciple learners with the solid foundation of the truth of God's character needed for the joyous, victorious Christian walk.
8. I've heard my small group leader from church say multiple times: construct an experiment. And that's what I've been doing these past months: writing a variety of business communications, teaching Sunday School, volunteering as a representative or greeter at various conferences, and volunteering at TreeHouse - a Christian ministry that reaches out to hurting teens. Another "experiment" is trusting God to open or close doors as I continue to apply often to various jobs. I've had some good leads and interviews, but each one reminds me that my heart is not there, and each door has closed so far. On the other hand, my Sunday School teaching and volunteer work at TreeHouse have served to remind me where I do feel that deep joy.
My sense of Calling is growing. I'm seeing pivotal things starting to happen. Some steps in front of me, some possible decisions to be made.
So, what's next? I am knocking on doors and constructing larger experiments. I am continuing to apply for various jobs; pursuing deeper involvement with, making inquiries into, and conducting conversations & observations with specific ministries. I'm also looking forward to preparing for teaching and mentoring at my church's Junior High camp the end of June!!
Will you pray for God to go before me on these larger experiments?
Will you pray for my continued abiding in Jesus, both in thought and time?
Will you pray that when fear grabs hold of me I will cling tightly to Truth?
Will you praise God with me that He is sovereign in all things -- humongous and minuscule!
And so this crazy roller coaster, Adventure of Thrill and Terror, whizzes on...!
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