Steam was rising when she sidled up to me. "I'm not a gossip, but I just need to vent...," and an angry torrent came tumbling from her mouth. This was a responsible, highly capable, beautiful 19-year-old Perfectionist.
I affirmed her feeling -- when you're working hard for a much-desired outcome and someone seems to be making your job more difficult, it is frustrating! Then I quickly redirected her to the appropriate person with whom to lodge her complaint, knowing that person could help her resolve the issue, and brought that conversation to a quick close.
Yes, it is difficult to feel frustration. But her gossip problem was not caused by the targeted person. Her need, just like mine, is not about making the other person behave rightly, but about learning to handle the distresses of life rightly. And, thank God, we have a guide for that!
God made our bodies to self-quiet, something we picked up in infancy, and this is our first step. As an adult learning to self-quiet, we may include a quick prayer asking God for help. Quieting includes deep breaths, a body scan to relax our tension, and remembering and feeling genuine gratitude. This moves our minds into a place of thinking more coherently. From here we can consider the issue from a more open mindset and seek what is true.
But what is true? Romans 12:2 tells us to renew our minds to discern rightly. In Philipines 4:8-9 the apostle Paul gives us characteristics of what our minds should dwell on in order to be at peace. This is step two. My young friend needs to take time to see what God is doing in and through the life of her co-worker that is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. Also, what in his life is excellent? What is worthy of praise? She is to think on these things, commend him for these things, and praise him! Give him more opportunities to practice these things! Peace will follow.
Yes, there will always be things present that are not true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable. There will always be things present that are not excellent or praiseworthy. But we don't stew over these. Rather, step three, we use our strengths to serve one another's weaknesses, i.e. we clothe our dishonorable parts with what is honorable (I Cor 12:22-23), and in that way we become better together. After that, there may be room for conversation and discussion about serving one another's weaknesses.
