I have had such joy in serving Jesus. I've delighted in welcoming Him more and more into my life. I've learned to look to Him more often and more quickly for advice. He has become my best friend who shares in all my joys and sorrows, thoroughly understanding me, loving me to the deepest, darkest crevasse. I've grown in my love of learning more about Him, delighting more in who He is, what He is to me personally. He is my protector, my provider. He has been my companion when I feel alone in this beautiful apartment. I tell Him how grateful I am for His gifts, how I lean on His promise to always be with me, to always give me His peace and grace in the midst of life, and I've welcomed and wanted Him as my source of Life.
Tonight as I was spilling my heart to Him, I told Him I was sick of being filled with Me. Not Me in a bad way, just as in too much. Like too much ice-cream. Like a body that has become toxic from 39 years of a little too much of this and a little too much of that, a little indulgence here, there...Not more than most, and maybe even a little less...., but still, I had reached a saturation point, and I do not like feeling ill.
Then it dawned on me -- the way He often communicates, I find -- that I really should think of my person and body as His. Not as, I AM GOD, nor as "my body belongs to Him." Rather, and quite simply, it's not mine. There is no mine. There's no more personal or possessive I, Me, My, or Mine. It's a new way of thinking. Now, it is only Him. What does God want to eat tonight? What is good for His digestive system? What does He want to do tonight? How does He want to respond to that comment? Yes! I could do this! I like serving Him! Well, I guess I am more selfish than I know, so I will need His doing it in me -- that much I've already learned. But, Yes, I am willing and want to do start thinking this way. This is a spiritual milestone.
But I guess that wasn't enough for Him. A few moments later as I was doing something I believed He wanted, ie, praying for my friends, He suddenly asked me if I would be willing to give Him the deed to my house. My house?! (Yeah, you know the parable.) But it's not as though I have any dark closets to hide! I had Delighted in serving Him. I loved making Him feel welcomed and wanted. He knew I wanted Him to stay forever. I had just disposed of myself for Him. We were working in tandem. Partners. Lovers. He in the Lead. And now, He wants to take away my house for Himself? And then, in the next breath, He asks me to stay as His servant. His servant?? His Servant! Not His houseguest!! His servant!!! That means I can't go off and pout when I want to! Or take a break in "MY ROOM" when I want to! Or be ALONE when I want to! What type of ungrateful GUEST IS HE!?!?! Uh-huh, caught it. My face froze, my joy de-escalted, my heart went into mini-spasms of fear and resentment.
But, you probably guessed it. I had been praying about this very thing, had just finished reading "The Cambridge Seven" by John Polluck. The closing line was a quote from C.T. Studd, "God does not deal with you until you are wholly given up to Him, and then He will tell you what He would have you do." He was talking about God's call. You know I've been desiring that for, oh...25 years or so, but was content with just abiding on a day to day basis, or not. I want the deeper, abiding presence of God in all His glory, in all His power, and -- though I don't want to say it, I know it's part of the package -- all His sufferings.
He knows and I know I'll give him the Deed, but He chose not to press it any more tonight and is staying in the Guest Room. I guess I should knock on His door for a heart to heart chat, because that may be what He wants instead of sleep tonight....
"Being confident of this very thing, that He who has began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6
